My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
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I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.