Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
☺️
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars