*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
You Might Also Like
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped