I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”