My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My work here is done
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*