ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
You Might Also Like
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.