His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me