Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Breaking news:
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.