I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
back to work
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
oh my gosh!!
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.