Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
BETRAYAL
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Hot hot hot 🥵
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free