When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I laughed at this way too hard.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.