GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
i made a craigslist ad !
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.