I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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No chill.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
That’s no pocket rocket.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
So that’s what we looked like?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter