A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
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I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
being a writer on Twitter:
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.