Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.