earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
If a snake ate a cake
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.