ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
thanksgiving in nutshell
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
my fav colour is also hitler
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.