Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
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[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Twitter remains undefeated
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.