I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters