I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?