The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
One venti cheeseburger please.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.