23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.