Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
so this horse walks into a bar
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.