I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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man i love columbo
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*gets down on one knee*
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
every single time
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*