I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
how much for the angry fruit?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol