If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen