*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
channeling her this year
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM