I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
You Might Also Like
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The Struggle
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership