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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me My dog
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.