I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
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bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*watches the world burn*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.