Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
A double negative is a big no-no.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
same bro
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.