Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
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Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*