if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.