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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.