I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars