Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[eats all your cotton candy]
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: