chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
wtf is an acronym
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly