*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.