Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*