[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —