Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.