I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much