My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
The photographer’s assistant
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already