*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
You Might Also Like
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel