a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
You Might Also Like
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds