if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo