Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!