I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer