The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
What personal space?
My dog
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.