“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.